I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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