does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Randomize
