dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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