so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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