I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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