I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
