I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
