On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
