dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
