The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
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