good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
