I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
