Dude my mom stole all your condoms
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
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