He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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