life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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