my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
