As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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