What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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