my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just google imaged poop.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
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