i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
