rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
