Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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