I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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