youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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