He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
