considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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