So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
