Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Every concussion has its silver lining
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
