tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
