I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
