Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
