Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
youre lurking in front of me
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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