anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Randomize
