just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
