I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
someone threw a dead crab at me
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
