I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
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