just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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