In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
