Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
