anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
