i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
That reminds me...we need to get swords
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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