hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
