my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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