I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
