I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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