you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
