haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
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I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
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Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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