Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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