I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
