By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
