Don't make out with my wife yet
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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