I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
