Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
we're making bets on your personal life
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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