I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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