Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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