thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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