I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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