im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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