Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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