if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Randomize
