Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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