Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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